I’m really just making a post to get over the hump of not posting for a while. This blog (both the act of writing it and the interactions with people) has been a source of support for me in the past, and I have been feeling its absence in my life.
There are a lot of things I could write about. Life is weird for me right now. I graduated in May and have been living back at home since then. I was pretty busy over the summer with family stuff and had initially planned to get a job by September 1st, but then the end of the summer came, and I hadn’t applied to jobs, and I felt exhausted from the summer and like I hadn’t gotten the break I wanted, and I wasn’t ready to dive into working 40-hour weeks for the rest of my life.
So I kinda decided to take more of a break. And it was good at first. I wasn’t super mentally OR physically ill for the first time in many years, and I enjoyed being a somewhat healthy person and relishing the pain-free and depression- and ptsd-free days. It felt healing to be at home without trauma happening at home and to have more pleasant relationships with my parents. It was nice to work on sewing projects and other things I’d been wanting to do but didn’t have time for.
But just a few weeks later, that phase ended. I went through a heartbreak realizing that my longtime crush doesn’t like me romantically. I got lonely and felt trapped at home (I don’t have my own car, and there isn’t public transportation here). I had some disagreements with my parents that resulted in several hours of crying and stress. I got sick with a cold that just wouldn’t go away and ended up in urgent care (I may have asthma). A horrible tingling pain I have sometimes after showering, which is worse in cold weather, came back strongly. Being tired from the cold virus/asthma and with the shorter daylight hours, I stopped going on walks and getting out in nature regularly.
I auditioned for two dance groups that I’d been excited about and was rejected from both.
Now I’m kinda just sad. It’s not a healing, restful, fun break anymore. It’s a sad, depressing, stressful situation I want to leave. At least that gives me more motivation to apply to jobs. I’m working on it. I joined a professional organization and got a mentor. I worked on a cover letter. I haven’t finished it yet though. I’m trying not to judge myself for still living at home unemployed with my parents. I know my dad is judging me.
Right now, some of my brother’s friends are staying at our house. It’s actually quite fun. They’re all really nice. It makes me miss college. I feel like I was just starting to have fun friend group times when covid happened, and I had to leave campus. It makes me sad for when they leave tomorrow. I don’t know how to replicate that kind of atmosphere outside of college. I feel safer alluding to queer things and mentally ill things around them. I think many of them share my identities and political views. I want a friend group like this that I can hang out with regularly late at night. I want to be around a group of people who joke around and have fun but where I don’t have to participate or talk all the time if I don’t want to. And where I feel safe to be myself and don’t have to monitor my reactions. Where I can be celebrated for being me. Right now they’re still downstairs, and I’m alone in my room because I feel like I’m intruding on their social time together.
I’m feeling a lot of sadness I guess. It’s hard to keep it from becoming depression.
Something over Nothing 