New Year’s Resolutions for the past 8-ish years

I’m happy and proud to say that I’ve achieved my new year’s resolutions for the past four years. 🙂 I’m feeling a bit burnt out from new year’s resolutions, lol, and I don’t feel like I need to come up with new things to achieve. My life doesn’t need to be radically different from what it is now. I think it will be great if I can just continue doing the things I’ve made resolutions for in past years. Hence, my 2022 resolution is…

2022 New Year’s Resolution:

• Be effective / do what works

2021 New Year’s Resolution:

• Stability. I achieved this mainly by moving out to an apartment with my roommate, and by getting a part time job. I also had an unpaid internship for 8 weeks. When I am living in my apartment (I’m at home with my family right now), my life is quite stable. It’s great. 

I wrote the following in 2020 and never published it:

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I’ve finally figured out what I want my new year’s resolution for this year to be. 🙂

I know lots of people don’t like new year’s resolutions for a variety of reasons, but I do, and I find them helpful, so I’m going to keep making them. I love all sorts of goals, plans, and structure in my life.

My 2020 New Year’s Resolution is:

1. to trust myself ten times more than I trust other people
   • and to not give in to peer pressure
   • and to put self care first
2. also, less importantly, to continue to read the news
3. and to improve my vocabulary 

2019 New Year’s Resolutions: 

1. Survive
2. One thing in the moment / one thing at a time
3. Read the news

2018 New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Continue to have a healthy routine
2. Tend to my emotional garden

Drawing: “Tending to my emotional garden”

Image description: Drawing of a watering can watering various flower that have various needs written on them, like “peace,” “meaning,” “control,” “cared for,” “privacy,” and “expression.”

2017 New Year’s Resolutions: 

• Trust my instincts
• Do things regularly / forming a healthy routine

Trusting my instincts means listening to my heart to hear what it really wants, believing there is a good reason I feel this way deep down, and making decisions that factor in this gut feeling. Trusting my instincts will help me look out for myself. I will become more attuned to my feelings, especially unusual feelings and especially strong feelings. I will trust myself and not go along with someone else’s decision if it doesn’t feel right.

Doing things regularly means forming healthy habits that help me with the rest of my daily life. This means breaking out the old “Daily Check-in” sheets and filling them out. It means brushing and flossing my teeth and wearing my retainer more often. It means making my bed, picking out my own clothes, making my own lunch. Becoming self-sufficient. Writing in my journal more, meditating more, exercising even when I don’t have sports practice.

Trusting my instincts Action Plan:

• Learn more “feelings” vocab. Look up a list and learn one new word a day.
• In my journal, record unusual or unusually strong feelings I’ve had throughout the day.
• In my journal, describe my feelings. Dig deep down. Where’s the conflict? Is there desire, shame, guilt, fear, anger? What feelings do I have towards certain things? And where might these feelings be coming from? Past experiences with the same thing or similar things? What is different and the same this time around?
• In my journal, write about the decisions I make and how I’ve made them. What instincts factored into each decision? Looking back, was it a good way to factor in the instincts? Did I trust them too much, not enough, just the right amount? Am I proud of this decision now? Would I make the same decision now?
• In my journal, write about what other people want me to do or want from me. How does this differ from what I want for myself? Where do we converge and diverge? Is it possible to compromise? What is the best path to follow going forward?

Forming a healthy routine Action Plan:

• Map out what my ideal day looks like.
• A healthy routine has many parts. Track them on the daily check-in sheets and work towards goals. It may be hard to do all at once, so focus on a couple things at a time.
• Modify the daily check-in sheets, and print more.
• Set SMART goals.
• Things to learn
  • Sun salutations
  • How to meditate on my own
  • How to wash a bra

What could an ideal day with a healthy routine look like?

In the morning:

• Wake up. Lay in bed.
• Get out of bed. Drink water.
• Exercise: knee-elbows, plank or brush and twist, others as needed.
• Yoga: sun-salutations or the go to bed / wake up routine I came up with.
• Meditation: mindfulness on 7 cups, YouTube, or on my own. Drink more water.
• Go about business. Go to the bathroom. Take out retainer. Brush teeth and retainer. Clean eyes and nose.
• Make bed. Brush hair. Get dressed.
• Cook breakfast. Eat breakfast. Get in car. Drive to school.

At school:

• Drink from water bottle. At least one bottle should be empty by 2:15.
• Remind yourself to blink. Remind yourself to stretch and move your shoulder muscles. Remind yourself of your posture. Sit at the back of the chair and lean into the back.

In the afternoon or evening:

• Make lunch and snacks for the following day.
• Pick out tomorrow’s outfits and sports clothes, if necessary.
• Pack backpack for the next day. Refill water bottle.

 

• Write in journal, even if it’s one sentence.
• Exercise if you haven’t yet and it’s not a rest day.
• Take a step on 7 cups.

 

• Every three days: shower, wash hair, wash face.
• Once a week: wash clothes, use a pore strip, clip nails. Write a long journal entry. Let out all your feelings to someone: friend, listener, therapist.
• As needed: use lotion.

Before going to bed:

• Set alarm for the morning and the next night.
• Drink water, brush and floss teeth, put in retainer. Go to the bathroom.
• Fill out Daily Check-In sheet. Say positive affirmation. Do yoga. (the order here can be mixed around 🙂 )
• Climb into bed slowly, still breathing slowly. Lay on back in a comfortable position. Good night! 🙂

 

2016 New Year’s Resolution: 

• love myself unconditionally

2015

• I made many new year’s resolutions and plans for many domains of my life, like physical, social, etc. A big one was getting enough sleep. I had plans to gradually change my bedtime and alarm time… And wasn’t on track with them almost immediately. I gave up early on. It was too much.

2014 

• Similar to 2015. I used to have a picture of these old goals (2014 & 2015) on my phone, but my phone broke and I lost my photos… 

2013 and earlier

• I wasn’t as serious about new year’s resolutions back then. However, I remember that my new year resolutions from something like  4th grade-7th grade were to stop procrastinating. Lol. Still haven’t achieved that… But I’m working on it. 🙂 

Life goes on, even in a pandemic… Recent accomplishments and updates

Though I’ve been cooped up at home since mid-March, life hasn’t stopped! I’ve made some “accomplishments” posts in the past (Dec 2019, Aug. 2019, Dec 2018, etc) but this one will include some negative things that have happened, too, because they are important life updates. I’ll do the negative ones first so that it’ll end on a happy note.

• I’m doing school online from home this fall, and I’m pretty sad about that. I miss my friends, and I miss seeing them in person. I feel lonely. Zoom and FaceTime don’t always cut it.
• I’ve had some bad experiences with my health that were kinda re-traumatizing. My mental health has gotten worse as a result, and I have new symptoms. (but things are getting better at the moment!) I’ve also discovered the term “medical trauma,” meaning trauma as a result of medical things like surgery or being in the hospital. This explains why I’m still struggling with the things that happened in the hospital after I was in a bad car accident 6 years ago, even though I’ve talked about the accident itself extensively in therapy (through Prolonged Exposure). Here are some resources I found on medical trauma: info, good article, story. If you know of any others, I’d love to see them.
• I was supposed to kinda be doing an internship this summer, and I…kinda didn’t… 😦 I’m not totally sure how it happened. I guess I was busy dealing with my health. That took up a lot of time and energy. And I felt a lot of shame for not knowing things, so I didn’t ask for help, so I was stuck and procrastinating hard. I feel very ashamed of how I acted and the fact that I just didn’t do the work. I had an opportunity and I blew it. I also feel guilty, angry at myself, and sad.
• I’m not going to try to list all the bad things because that doesn’t feel like a useful thing to do. These are the main ones, I think. Now, on to the positives! 🙂

I have gotten better at talking. For a while I was feeling insecure about how I talk, and I was having trouble communicating what I meant in a clear way. I felt like my main experience having real conversations (not small talk) was in therapy places. I think I’m fairly good at using “I” statements and validating people, but I don’t have as much experience talking in academic or professional settings, and I want to get better at this. The past few months, I’ve been part of a book club with my friends where we also talk about politics, the news, and controversial/sensitive topics. I feel like I can have a real conversation now, even about tricky topics. I can acknowledge when I don’t know enough about something. I can say why I think something and how I came to that conclusion. I can participate in a group discussion without needing to be called on, and without interrupting, or on the flip side, staying silent. I can disagree with people without it becoming an argument. My family did not teach me how to do this; if people disagree in my family, it’s always an argument. I am proud of the progress I have made with this, and I feel better about my abilities.

I’ve also gotten better at sending emails. I started sending the weekly email for my sustainability club when there was no one else to send it, and I’ve gotten so much better at it. It also doesn’t stress me out anymore at all. It’s just something that needs to be done. Sometimes I even look forward to it, and I write it ahead of time and use the schedule-send feature.

I’ve gotten better at singing. I was so insecure about my singing for so long. My brother is a “good singer” and has been in a cappella and chorus groups in school. He generally criticizes me when I sing for being off-key. But it turns out that, like many things, singing is a skill that I can improve at if I practice. So, I need to sing “badly” for a bit in order to get the experience I need to improve. Also, people don’t magically know how to sing songs just after listening to them (at least not most people, I’m guessing). People practice hitting the notes and transitioning between the notes for a long time before they’re able to sing it like it sounds in the song. I just needed some practice. My sister and I are putting on a musical we’ve created from a combination of two other musicals, and I’ve gotten a lot of practice singing for that. Singing is really fun, and I’m really glad I get to be in a musical. 🙂

I have also been in two Zoom musicals! One thing I wanted to do in college was be in a musical again, since I was in a musical my senior year of high school and loved it. With school online, I thought I wouldn’t get to fulfill that dream, but I’ve had the opportunity to be in these two musicals with a new club that formed when schools went online. It’s pretty cool!

My relationship with my brother is improving. We are closer now. We get along, joke around, and sometimes have meaningful conversations!

I took a summer class and gained a new perspective on animals and their behavior.

I’m reading The Hidden Life of Trees by Peter Wohlleben, and it’s amazing, and has similarly changed my perspective on trees. Forests create clouds and are the main reason why rain can fall inland, far from bodies of water! Pine groves make the air around them germ-free! Trees can care for their young and help out sick trees by sending sugar through their roots! Trees can warn each other about attacks from pests! I highly recommend this book. It’s so cool.

As a result of the renewed Black Lives Matter movement, I’ve learned a lot more about racism today and in the past, anti-racism, police and criminal justice, housing inequalities, etc. I’ve also thought a lot about my own privileges and gotten better at accepting them. I read Trevor Noah’s book Born a Crime (I read the version adapted for young readers), and it was really useful for understanding apartheid in South Africa and making comparisons to the US. It’s all told through stories, which made it easy for me to read. There are some descriptions of violence, injury, abuse, and of course lots of injustice, so be aware if you read it.

And yes, I am reading again! I haven’t read much in recent years because of eye problems, concentration problems, and because I’m often triggered by what I read. But I feel like I can read again! Wow! 🙂 Reading the short stories with my friends has been good and helpful, too.

I got accepted to grad school?!? My school has a program where current students can apply to the masters program at the school. It’s an easier method of applying and getting in (basically everyone who meets a certain GPA cut-off gets in), so I feel like I got in “through the back door,” which makes me feel invalid, but it’s still real and great that I’m accepted! Before, I wasn’t planning on going to grad school, but because they lowered the GPA cut-off (so that I made the new cut-off) because of the pandemic, and because it may be hard to get a job after graduation with the current economy/unemployment rate/job market, it’s looking like I probably will go to grad school. So this is a change in my life plans, but it’s not a bad change. I’m also more interested in using mechanical engineering (my major) for bio-medical things… the pandemic has shown me that there is a need for mechanical engineers to design medical devices. So now I’m imagining different careers for myself. These aren’t bad changes, but they are major changes to what I imagine the next few years of my life will look like.

I had a trauma anniversary that wasn’t awful for the first time! 🙂

I am developing a better understanding of my body. (note: this paragraph includes talk of bodily functions) I had severe abdominal pain earlier this summer (severe enough that I couldn’t stand for more than 10 seconds because it was so painful). After a stressful and frustrating process of getting seen by a doctor and getting things figured out, I had a CT scan, which showed a large ovarian cyst. It was surprising to me that there was actually something physically, visibly wrong inside of me. In the past, doctors have dismissed various pains as a result of my ~anxiety~. But this time, there was actually a clear explanation why I felt pain. It hurt when I peed because there was a physical mass pushing against my bladder. The idea that pain is caused by something being wrong in my body is new to me, and very validating. The CT scan also showed that I had several benign renal (kidney) cysts. Is that what’s hurting randomly in that part of my body?? Are there actual explanations for the things I’m feeling?? I’ve also looked at some diagrams of internal organs. In the past, I avoided looking at things like that because it upset and triggered me. But I’m okay with it now. I am learning where different organs are. My intestines are really long and snake all over! When I feel my intestine-area gurgling and moving around, it is actually moving things through my intestine! My pain happens for a reason. There are specific, physical things going on in my body that cause the pain.

I reconnected with a friend from high school that I hadn’t seen in a year. It feels really good to have that relationship back. 🙂

I can still improve on things and make progress on things that are important to me, even though I’m at home almost all the time. My daily life looks different, but I’m still doing stuff and working towards my long-term goals. I can still have fulfilling experiences, new experiences, and happy times. 🙂

Structure! Today’s Accomplishments and Tomorrow’s Goals

This is a thing that helps me to add some structure to my days and life when I’m lost and kinda depressed.

I’ve been using these Today’s Accomplishments / Tomorrow’s Goals sheets recently, and they’ve been helpful. I recently moved out of my college dorm and am back at home with my family. Online classes haven’t started yet, so I don’t have much to do, and I can’t go anywhere or see people. So, filling out these sheets at the end of the day has been helping me to stay focused and do things. Doing things makes me feel better. Waking up to a plan for the day makes me want to get out of bed.

 

Today’s Accomplishments Tomorrow’s Goals

 

On the left side, I write what I accomplished that day! It’s often “little” things and big things: ate breakfast, called my friend, took a shower, emailed my doctor, unpacked my clothes. If something was especially hard, like getting out of bed or eating a meal, I’ll make sure to write that down and give myself credit for it, too. 🙂

Then I can also write some good things about the day at the bottom! “I’m grateful for my friend calling me, I’m proud of figuring out how to do therapy over Zoom, I saw beauty in the sunset, I am responsible, prepared, and caring.”

On the right side, I write out what things I want to do the next day. Unpack the rest of my clothes, take vitamins, eat 3 good meals, go for a walk, do yoga, start homework for x class, plant pole beans, etc.

Then I say what, among those things, is my priority (e.g. unpacking and eating 3 good meals) and how these expectations look (are they reasonable? a stretch? do-able?). These steps are especially useful when I have lots of things to do and it’s just not possible to do it all. In that case, I can state what my priority is and plan which things I won’t do in advance, instead of realizing at the last minute that I can’t do everything and panicking.

I also write something that will be true no matter what happens (e.g. I’m at home). This gives me at least one thing to count on when I’m not sure what else I can rely on. And then I write what I’m looking forward to! 🙂 If I’m not looking forward to anything, then I try to go back and add something good to my to-do list. 🙂

I’ve been using these off and on since middle school (!) as I’ve needed them. I’ve improved them over the years, adding the positive parts to fill in at the bottoms. I find that they are good at getting me back on track.

If you are also cooped up in one place, out of school or a job, feeling unmotivated or depressed, or in many other situations, maybe this could help add structure and positive things! 🙂

You can open the pdf file here. I print them out double-sided and cut them up so that I can get four accomplishments/goals out of one piece of paper. (Today I am proud of figuring out how to add a pdf to wordpress haha because that’s something that I’ve been meaning to learn how to do for a while!)

Wishing everyone the best ❤

Little changes to help your mental health

This is for those times when everything is too much, and you’re desperate for something to make things at least a little better, but you don’t really want to do anything.

Change your language

“stupid” –> “valid”

e.g. “I’m so stupid” –> “I’m so valid”

e.g. “I did something really stupid” –> “I did something really valid”

“always” or “never” –> “sometimes” or “might”

e.g. “I’m never on time” –> “I’m sometimes not on time”

e.g. “Things like this always happen” –> “Things like this sometimes happen”

“should” –> “could”

e.g. “I should have done things differently” –> “I could have done things differently”

e.g. “I should do that” –> “I could do that”

Change what your body’s doing at the moment

breathe in, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, in, 2, 3, 4…

helpful for any unwanted emotion that gets the heart pounding — fear, anger, etc.

do 20 jumping jacks (if you’re able to)

helpful for dissociation, hopelessness, sadness, and shame (or anything that makes you want to curl up) because it can break the inertia and show that you’re a valid person taking up space in the world and doing things

also helpful for any strong emotion that gets your heart pounding because the body associates the heart pounding with the exercise and will calm down from the actual emotion

stand up in a power pose: hands on your hips, biceps flexed, punching the sky, etc. or, while sitting, stretch your arms up to the sky

similarly helpful for things that make you want to curl up (this is opposite action!), but not as intense

Make a list

five things you’re grateful for

e.g. pretty pictures of flowers, living with other people, having headphones, buzzfeed, warmer weather

three recent accomplishments!

e.g. got up! (multiple times!) replied to some old texts! ate brunch with my friend!

the bare minimum of what you’re going to do the rest of today (and/or tomorrow if it’s late at night)

e.g. brush teeth, call my mom, do the assignment for one of my classes

then check them off!

Change your computer/phone/tablet experience

change your background, lock screen, or desktop background

pretty nature? cute puppies? memes?

Photo by Stephan Seeber on Pexels.com

Photo by Vanserline Vandenberg on Pexels.com

bookmark a site you want to keep handy

something funny? something helpful? something thoughtful?

download an app

in the spirit of trying something new!

 

Congratulations, you made it to the bottom of this post! Look at you go! 🙂

Major accomplishments of 2018

I have actually made a lot of progress in 2018.

Mental Health

I’ve gotten more serious about making actual progress in therapy instead of using it as more of a temporary fix to my immediate problems and worries. In the winter/spring, I made a bunch of new lists to follow in different situations. Over the summer, I started DBT, which has really helped me. I learned more about emotions. I was a little clueless before. I can now generally identify what I’m feeling — sadness, anger, shame, fear, love, etc. — and understand where that emotion came from and whether or not it fits the facts of the situation. I didn’t really know that shame was an emotion before this year, and I feel shame a lot!

I also learned what dissociation is, what it feels like for me when it’s happening, and what I can do to stop it. Another thing I didn’t know that was happening to me a lot!

I made the decision to start prolonged exposure therapy for PTSD. I’ve been doing behavioral exposures on my own to things I avoid and things that scare me for the past few months, and already I can see a significant improvement in my PTSD symptoms. There are some reminders that I can fully tolerate now, like pictures of brains, and some reminders that don’t give me as bad flashbacks, like car chase or car crash scenes in movies. I am also doing exposure stuff in therapy and plan to do more.

Relationships

I’ve developed some very close friendships. I have one friend in particular that I’m very close with. I think it may be the most intimate (emotionally intimate) relationship I’ve ever had. I tell her so much. She tells me a lot, too. I love her and am so glad we’re friends.

I’m also much closer with my parents, mainly thanks to the DBT program I did this summer and the family therapy that came with it. They now understand the nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, and suicidal thoughts I struggle with. Although we still don’t always get along, it’s nice to not have to carry around those secrets anymore. I can also get emotional support from them sometimes, especially my mom. She has made an effort to learn how to validate my feelings, and it makes such a difference. Talking to her does actually make me feel better sometimes. It also feels like they’re on my team now. For example, my dad got me “stress relief essential oils” for Christmas, which I probably won’t use because essential oils have upset me before, but it was a sweet gesture that shows he cares and wants to help.

Because I did the program this summer, many more of my friends know that I have mental health issues and am in therapy. Everyone was asking what I was doing over the summer. I could have lied, but I chose to be vulnerable and tell them the truth. I’ve done a lot of vulnerability exposures in the past few months. They are hard but generally bring me closer to people. I recently also told my friends at college that I am in therapy. I kind of let it slip in front of a fairly large group of people at a Secret Snowflake gift exchange. This was a big deal for me because I’m not close with most of those people. But it was fine, and I feel so much better.

Adulting

I can now file an insurance claim! I can call my insurance company, I can set up my own doctor’s appointments, I can choose to take over-the-counter medicines and buy them on my own, I bought my own razor for the first time. A lot of these accomplishments have to do with me being away from home and being able to do things without my mom’s permission.

I set up some certificates of deposit, which mean I’ll be making some money, or at least not losing any to inflation. Planning for the future!

The place where I live at college has a kitchen (unlike last year), and I also had a portion of a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) vegetable share this fall. As a result, I can now cook or prepare various vegetables for myself. I can make eggs (scrambled or in an omelette) fairly quickly. I can clean a kitchen and feel okay/confident about its cleanliness. I learned to use a gas stove (my family has an electric stove). I plan on doing more cooking next semester.

School

Well, I’m two semesters closer to getting a degree!

I declared my major, but that may change…

I think I’ve gotten better with procrastinating. I haven’t turned anything in past the deadline this semester!! 🙂 One skill that particularly helps me with this is setting a timer for 20 minutes and saying that I’ll only work on it for that amount of time. It helps me to get started on things and not be overwhelmed by all I have to do.

I’ve learned more about engineering and realized how much I like it. 🙂 Although I’m still not entirely sure about what to major in within engineering, and I sometimes think about becoming a psychologist, writer, dancer, or artist instead, I know that I really do like engineering, too. 🙂

General Health

I’ve consistently been getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night. 7 hours is now low for me. There are weeks where I get less, but for the most part, I really have been getting more sleep. This makes me feel so much better emotionally!

I lost some weight unintentionally over the summer and became more underweight than I normally am, but I’ve been seeing a nutritionist at school, and I’ve gained some of it back! More importantly, I am building better habits of eating, like eating 3 meals a day, every day, and snacks in between. I’m keeping more snacks on hand. I’m eating more calorie-dense foods first. If I skip breakfast, I’ll have two dinners instead of simply having only 2 meals that day. I think these strategies will continue to serve me well.

I haven’t had too many headaches! 🙂

Other

I started this blog!!! 🙂 Having a blog is something I’ve dreamed of doing for years. I’m so glad I finally did it and that I am still at it several months after starting. It feels like it gives me more purpose. What I didn’t expect from blogging was getting to read so many other people’s blogs, which has been really nice.

In the spring, I was baptized into a church, and I later left it. It was a very stressful, confusing experience at the time, but I think it has helped me understand what I actually believe, which makes me more confident and causes me to have fewer existential crises. People in this church group also gave me a lot of hugs. I generally avoided physical touch before then, but now I willingly accept hugs, enjoy hugs, give good hugs back, and am comfortable asking friends for a hug when I feel like I need one.

It’s hard to believe that my first time in group therapy was just last year. I’ve made some good friends through group and learned just how not-alone I am. It’s also been eye-opening to be able to talk with people about mental illnesses and similar struggles. I feel like I understand people better.

Lastly, I’ve been dancing for years, and last spring, I finally learned how to do a pirouette! 🙂 One of my goals over winter break is to be able to spin around twice in a pirouette instead of once.

Yay! This was uplifting to write. 🙂 I’ve liked reading people’s reflections on the year. Do you have an accomplishment you’re particularly proud of?