Life, Positives

Trauma is in the past and I feel great and am making good decisions!

Note: there is some mention of cults and bodily functions

I am strangely doing really well overall. I feel emotionally healthy. I am making really good, wise-mind decisions.

I actually applied to a job and had two rounds of interviews and was offered the job!! It is very exciting! But there are also some things that didn’t feel quite right to me. And then when I got the formal job offer letter, it was a long contract, which I wasn’t expecting. I had been planning on going to a training for the job this weekend and starting, like, now (part-time, I’m still in school).

BUT I listened to my gut. I realized that saying yes to the job right away is really tempting because having a job and making my own money will make me feel really secure, especially since I am graduating soon, and I want to be more independent from my family (rely on their money less), and this job would guarantee that I would have something to do with my time and (what seems like) a good group of people to spend time with. So, I was tempted, and I was able to figure out and acknowledge why.

I also did a little google searching and was reminded that it’s okay to not say yes to a job offer right away and to take time to think about things. And to take time to figure out if the job is something I actually want to do. I was thinking that if I hate it, I can just leave, but one video said that if you leave a job after not being there long, it can have a “black mark” on your resume. I hadn’t thought of that. And some parts of the contract “survive” even after “termination,” apparently, so I could still be affected by things in the contract even if I left.

Anyway I was feeling some peer pressure and time pressure to start now, and there are some things I don’t like in the contract about not saying bad things about the company, and non-disclosure agreements and non-compete agreements. I was also getting some pyramid scheme vibes, like they were trying to recruit me right now to meet some quota. I once accidentally joined an intense Christian group that bordered on a cult, and this was reminding me of that whole experience.

I made the really good decision to just email and ask my questions, and to postpone doing the training instead of doing it literally tomorrow. I will have time to talk to my family and friends and maybe other people and get their opinions before officially committing to this.

I feel like this is a really reasonable thing to do. I didn’t let myself get peer pressured into joining too soon, and I’m also not ditching the whole thing and ghosting my interviewer without an explanation. I’m cautiously, maturely, wise-mindedly investigating more so that I can make an informed decision. I am listening to my emotions and checking the facts on them. This feels really good!! 🙂

And I also feel like, it will probably all turn out okay. Non-disclosure agreements are probably standard. I’m just new to them. And so it’s okay for me to ask questions and get more information and make sure I’m okay with stuff. And if I’m not okay with stuff, I can just decline the job offer. People won’t harass or pressure or keep calling me if I decide not to join. They are professional people in a real, reputable company and not sketchy bordering-on-a-cult members. Either way I am safe and can make a good decision and be okay.

It feels really good!

Elsa dramatically throwing away her crown and singing, “The past is in the past!” (Screenshot from this Disney UK Let It Go Frozen Sing-along video)

Other stuff in my life is going well, too. I made some other good decisions. 🙂 Last semester, classes on zoom were kinda awful, and I was not in a good place. But, there were two classes that I did enjoy and did do well in. They were both project-based classes, they both had group projects, and they both had me do stuff with my hands, instead of staring at a computer screen.

So, this semester, I made the really good decision to take entirely project-based classes. And I am loving it! I am thriving! I am so sick of zoom and cannot stand zoom lectures anymore. And I don’t have to! This semester I don’t have any problem sets or exams! It’s all project assignments, presentations, small quizzes, and reports.

Projects seem much more meaningful than normal school. I understand that I have to do the steps along the way in order to end up at the final product of the project. Like, I’m building a robot (!!), and it makes perfect sense to me that I have to design the parts, figure out what hardware I will need, test things out, etc in order to build the final robot. So, I’m motivated to do these things. I don’t procrastinate them. I’m even excited to do them. I’ll do them in my free time, or at 3 am, because I want to. And having group members that I am accountable to helps a lot, too. And it gives me built-in social time. Less loneliness for me! And regular, scheduled times to see people!

Yayyyy! I am feeling pretty good about myself, lol. I am proud. Of course I have to acknowledge that a lot of this is luck, too. If this wasn’t my senior spring, I probably wouldn’t have much, or any, say in what classes I got to take. And there was some luck in how I found this job, and privilege that I was able to go to a career fair to find this company.

I got an unpleasant reminder recently that my wellbeing is largely based on luck and not the hard work I do. I had been feeling better, physically, for a couple months. I was eating dairy-free probiotic yogurt every day, and my diarrhea had disappeared. But then my yogurt was too close to the back of the fridge, and the temperature was too low, and it all froze. I don’t really know what happened to the yogurt chemically/biologically, but the consistency changed, and it made me gag, and the bits I did eat didn’t seem to help my stomach like they used to (maybe the good bacteria died). My diarrhea came back. All that “hard work” went down the drain. It was sad, but it was a good reminder that there are things out of my control. The probiotics were what was helping me, not that I was going on walks or just magically making myself less stressed or healthy or something.

So, conversely, when things are going well, I want to be careful to not be proud of “how well I’m doing.” I can be happy that I’m doing well, and I can celebrate it. I can be proud of actions I took or decisions I made. But it’s not healthy for me to be proud of things that are out of my control. Because then when they go wrong, it feels like it’s my fault, when it’s not. It’s still out of my control.

So right now, when lots of things seem to be going well: I am proud of how I handled this job offer, and I am happy that I was offered the job in the first place. I am proud of the healthy habits I am keeping up with (like the action of eating my yogurt!), and I am happy that not many things are going wrong right now and that I am doing well overall.

13 thoughts on “Trauma is in the past and I feel great and am making good decisions!”

  1. Indeed and Glassdoor allow people to leave anonymous reviews about companies they work for. I always check when I apply for jobs.

    I’m glad you’re doing better, although I know diahorrea sucks! When I had IBS mixed type, I found chia seed pudding helpful for that and constipation because it’s soluble fiber. It’s really easy to make and I use lactose free milk.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good ideas. I looked at Glassdoor before but I couldn’t see more info without making an account… maybe I’ll actually make an account now. (I still haven’t made a decision!)

      Thank you! And yes it does. Oh cool, I haven’t heard of that! I’ll try it!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Building a robot sounds cool!

    I think with a lot of health things, there’s an interplay between factors we can control and factors we can’t. If something goes sideways that you can’t control, that doesn’t negate the value of doing those things you can control.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lots of opportunities for you to practice skills. Exciting that you are rocking wise mind! We are impressed you took your time on the job contract. We don’t like the idea they might try to trick you and pressure you. Lying for financial gain makes us very uncomfortable. Tricks do not meet our need for connection or partnership. Your wise mind meets our need for hope.

    Building a robot at 3am made us giggle: are you still nocturnal lol?

    The social interaction and project work sound like they are really meeting your needs. We are happy you have the opportunity to make these choices.

    Not to pee on your camp fire, but we were thinking about Elsa the other day: she sings that song, which is our favorite moment maybe in movie history, but she really isn’t free yet. She thinks it’s all behind her, but it finds her again. That makes us sad and scares us. We are in hiding, too, with secrets we think make us a monster (DID, sexual abuse victim, sometimes a shitty parent). We want to let it go and be free and stand in the sun and feel alive. Maybe our time will come, too. ❄️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 Thank you! I like that you appreciate my DBT-ness, haha. 🙂 Yeah, I don’t like being pressured or tricked/mislead either. My dad helped me look at the contract, and he thinks it is very much written in their favor, and there are some things I should get clarification on, but he thinks it’s still fine for me to take the job. So I might. I still haven’t decided haha.

      Lol yes I am still nocturnal 😂

      Yes! They are really meeting my needs. 🙂

      I’ve actually been thinking about that recently, too! It is scary to think that things are all better and to then have them get worse / come back. 😦 Have you heard the expression “recovery is not linear” or seen that picture with a messy, up-and-down graph instead of a straight line up? I try to ~radically accept~ that bad things can still happen and things can get worse, even though of course I really don’t want them to. It’s hard. But I like to think that at least, now I know more skills to handle them!

      I don’t think you’re a monster. And having secrets is hard 😦 I used to keep EVERYTHING to myself. It feels good when I can share things, a little at a time, with nice people who are okay with hearing things. I hope that if you want to have your secrets not be secrets anymore, you will be able to do that at some point, too ❤

      Some things I've been thinking about Frozen — "Let it go" is only halfway through the movie, even though it feels like a conclusive, end-of-movie song. I think the issue for Elsa is that she is free to do what she wants, but she is having a negative impact on other people. The storm that's "coming from the north mountain," where she is, is still impacting the town. Elsa doesn't know this until Anna tells her in the "For the first time in forever reprise" song. (I really like this song, too; I think it shows the differences between Elsa's perspective and Anna's perspective well.) Elsa is also trying to protect Anna and others by staying away from them. At the end of the movie, love heals Elsa, and she is able to use her powers in a more controlled/manageable way to give Olaf his flurry and make a skating rink so that people can have fun. I feel like love is the "solution" in Frozen. And I think you are a loving person. 🙂 ❤ And I see you practicing compassion and empathy and understanding all the time. So I think you are on your way to having that let it go / feeling free and alive feeling, too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Those are some of the nicest things anyone has said to us, so thank you! We want to try to take that in despite feeling unworthy of earning those compliments. It’s like you said, bad things can still happen—progress isn’t linear—but we can celebrate being compassionate. It is our goal to practice compassion. Among our metta phrases is, May we live gently. This has been hard to do given all the violence we absorbed.

    We know we’ll never fully heal or be free or have some amazing transformation like Elsa. Nor do we think people will move toward love. If they don’t, Earth is toast.

    For us, It’s just one hour at a time; do as little harm as possible; try to hold our breath until we get above water; and resist as little as possible. That sounds dreary, and it is. But it is how we see it right now.

    We hope your journey is fun and exciting. We recall that age. So full of opportunity and choice. 💕❤️😀

    Liked by 1 person

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