Coping Skills, Life, Uncategorized

Judgments and shame about applying to jobs

I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of judgments about myself. It seems that whatever I do, there’s a voice in the back of my head telling me what’s wrong with it.

I have a lot of judgments about where I think I “should” be in life, about things I think I “should” have done already, about the school I go to, about my mental health and its effects on my life… so many.

I feel afraid to put myself out in the world for fear of people gossiping about me, thinking negative things about me, and then ostracizing me.

I’m trying to apply to internships and jobs for the summer. I feel ashamed that I haven’t had a job before. When I think about applying to certain jobs, I immediately discount them because I immediately think of the negative things my family could say. I go to a “good” college, and people seem to expect more from me as a result. If I got a “typical” summer job, I can imagine that my mom would not approve. I can imagine her stare down at me and her sigh of disappointment, and then the twenty minute speech. I think she would either tell me to “just relax,” or to get a better internship and then give me a list of names or websites and tell me to email people… (“just relaxing” and staying cooped up in the house all day has made me really depressed in the past; emailing even one person is really intimidating for me and takes a lot of work; plus, I’ve already emailed people)

My purpose in getting a job this summer is to 1) make money and to 2) get out of the house.

Making money helps my long-term goals by making me less financially dependent on my parents, as I am now. I could also start saving for life expenses after college or maybe for grad school, if I decide I want to try to go there at some point. (Right now, my parents are paying for college, which I definitely appreciate, but I would likely be paying for grad school on my own.) I could also have “spare cash” to spend on eating out with friends and birthday gifts, and I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty every time I used my parents’ money.

Getting out of the house would help me get away from my family, be productive, have something to occupy my mind with, and possibly help me to socialize with people beyond my family. I suppose a theme in this is that I want to be more independent from my family!

So, I have good reasons for wanting a job (or internship). I’m sure that this is what I want. It’s valid to want a job.

I’m still in school, so of course I don’t have lots of experience. I’m still qualified in other ways. I’ve done things in the past. I’ve had a lot of schooling! I’m an okay person. I have some good qualities.

Some of my shame around not having experience comes from the fact that I spent most of last summer doing a partial hospital program for my mental health while my friends had jobs or internships, or both. But I can’t tell that to an employer, even though I was working hard and being quite productive, even though I wasn’t just hanging out at home as I normally tell people.

Sighhh

I think I just have to do my best with what I have now, knowing that the work I did last summer on my mental health was very valuable, even if I can’t tell everyone that.

Another thing I feel shame about is general formal interactions with people. I don’t know the proper etiquette. No one’s ever taught me! So I feel shame when I think I may have done something wrong, or when I’m not sure how to act, when to send an email, what to write, etc.

Shame signals that you have broken a group’s value and could be excluded, so when I’m applying for jobs and I could be rejected, yes, shame is justified! Shame is justified, but the intensity that I feel it is probably not effective. It’s probably more effective to send an imperfectly worded email than it is to send no email at all. The intense shame would prevent me from sending any email, but a little shame could make the email better.

Agh, it’s hard! And getting rejected is hard, too! I will keep trying… maybe not forever, because this is exhausting, but for a little more…

So, skills that will help:

  • checking the facts and doing what’s effective
  • self validation
  • FAST (especially Stick to your values)
  • fake it ’til you make it / opposite action
  • being nonjudgmental towards myself, noticing judgments and saying “a thought is just a thought,” not necessarily believing judgments

I was writing (most of) this at the time that I was struggling with this issue, in more of the way I write things in my journal than how I write them on this blog. So, if this seems a little unclear, like it’s jumping from one idea to another, or like some loose ends weren’t tied up, that’s why. I did try to go back and clarify things so that it can make some sense to people-who-aren’t-me.

And, a couple of weeks after I started writing this post, I am very happy to say that I did finally get a job!!! 🙂 It is not an internship, and it’s not full-time, but it will get me out of the house and earn me money, and I think it’ll be fun, too! I’m looking forward to it. 🙂 And if I find some unpaid, part-time internship, I could potentially do both things and still accomplish my goals of earning money and getting out of the house. Wooh! It actually worked out! 🙂

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Coping Skills

The Emotions and Opposite Action

These are the ten primary emotions as I learned them in my DBT treatment program this summer.

Knowing more information about them helps me understand what’s going on inside me and what I need to do to resolve the situation, if anything (see the flowchart under Emotion Regulation in the DBT Skills Summary).

Emotions are important!!

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The picture says:

The Ten Primary Emotions

Fear

  • signal: threat to health and happiness
  • urge: flight, fight, freeze
  • opposite action: approach mindfully

Anger

  • signal: threat to health and happiness
  • urge: defend, attack
  • opposite action: be gentle, take a time out, willing hands

Sadness

  • signal: something is lost or missing
  • urge: replace, isolate, withdraw, ruminate
  • opposite action: activate

Disgust

  • signal: toxic to health and happiness
  • urge: avoid, throw up, get rid of it
  • opposite action: approach mindfully

Guilt

  • signal: I crossed my values
  • urge: repair/fix, hide, avoid, compensate
  • opposite action: don’t apologize, self-validation 

Shame

  • signal: I crossed group values, will be judged or excluded
  • urge: hide, don’t do it again
  • opposite action: reveal, tell, show

Joy

  • signal: good for health and happiness
  • urge: continue to do it
  • opposite action: avoid, focus attention elsewhere

Love

  • signal: relationship is good for health and happiness
  • urge: pursue and maintain, spend time with them
  • opposite action: focus on other goals

Jealousy

  • signal: fear of losing something that matters to someone else
  • urge: protect, control
  • opposite action: trust, give space, don’t stalk

Envy

  • signal: wanting what someone else has while feeling equally entitled 
  • urge: get it (motivation) 
  • opposite action: count your blessings and accomplishments 

What’s this opposite action thing?

Opposite action is a DBT skill I really like and have been using a lot.

Once I’ve identified what emotion I’m feeling and validated myself, I determine whether it’s justified or unjustified and if the emotion is helping me to be effective in this moment.

All emotions are valid. It is what you are feeling, and that’s the way it is. There’s probably a good reason you’re feeling that way, even if the reason no longer applies to this current situation. But an emotion is only justified if the presence, intensity, and duration of the emotion fit the facts. For example, fear is justified when a threat is present. My fear is often caused by reminders of trauma and is often unjustified. Shame is justified when I’ve broken a group’s value. Guilt is justified when I’ve broken a personal value. Sadness is justified when I’ve lost something. Et cetera.

If the emotion is unjustified, then it’s time to use opposite action! Opposite action is doing the opposite of the urge an unjustified emotion is giving me. I’ve been using opposite action a lot for shame. When I feel shame, my urge is to hide. But, if I 1) identify that I am feeling shame and 2) find that it’s unjustified, then I know I need to use opposite action. Instead of hiding my face, getting squirmy, curling up, running away, talking quietly, and not speaking, I do the opposite. I stay where I am. I sit on my hands so that I can’t cover myself up with them. I keep talking about whatever thing I think is “weird” but which really isn’t. I put myself out there. It is very uncomfortable, but it helps the shame go away.

Instead of wallowing in my (unjustified) feelings, I react in a more effective way. Yay opposite action!

Understanding emotions has been really helpful to me.