Hello, I need to vent. You know how your life seems to be all okay for a bit, maybe it’s not great, but nothing too bad, and then suddenly it all just collapses around you?
My physical health is deteriorating.
- (note: talking about weight) I was supposed to be gaining weight because I am fairly underweight, but instead I lost more weight. Gah! (I am not restricting / other ED behaviors, I just have trouble getting enough food in my body and cooking and stuff. It’s more of an “it’s too much effort” thing.)
- I’ve had my period for 13 days now.
- I went to the eye doctor for my annual eye exam and said that I’d been getting headaches above my eyes when I read or look at things up close for too long. He took my concerns seriously, which I really appreciate, but he also seemed to think something was really wrong and said “this will really affect your career” if it gets worse over time and I can’t read and stuff. I have to go back for a 2-3 hour appointment to see what happens when my eyes get fatigued.
- My hip has been hurting off and on this summer, and yesterday it was hard to walk comfortably at times.
- My armpit was hurting two times earlier in the summer, and now it’s hurting again. My primary care doctor thought it was just a pulled muscle or something, but now I’m worrying it’s something else since it has happened repeatedly. On the other hand, if it is a pulled muscle, why isn’t it healing? What am I doing wrong? I know that I’m physically pretty weak and don’t have strong muscles, but I don’t know how to get stronger if I don’t use them??
Other stuff
- I’ve been home alone all week and it’s been lonely and hard. It also makes me worried for after college if I get an apartment on my own or something and have to live alone for much longer periods of time. I don’t think I could do it. I guess I could have roommates. Well, that’s a problem for future me.
- Since I’m home alone, I have to take care of our family’s chickens. I’m supposed to put them away at night and feed them and let them out in the morning. I didn’t put them away last night because I was in an awful mood, and it was really late and I was scared of predators (coyotes, etc.). Luckily none of the chickens were eaten or killed during the night, but now this morning I have to feed them while they’re running around, not locked up in the coop. I’m scared of doing this because the roosters are big and want to attack me! And I have to move the coop too. And it looked like they were out of water. And then after all that I have to clean the house and pack in the next two hours because I’m going on vacation.
- I’ve started disliking my friends and this freaks me out. Does this mean I just don’t like anyone? What is wrong with me? My friends are people that I’ve really liked and enjoyed spending time with in the past. What’s going on? I’m confused.
- (note: talking about sex) I was talking to a friend yesterday about dating and stuff, and it just really upset me. But I figured out why it upset me at least! I really don’t want to have sex and am disgusted by it and afraid of it. I don’t know if this means I’m asexual or if it’s just one of the many things I’m afraid of or ashamed of. I kind of always thought that what makes a relationship different from a friendship is sex, but I kinda want a relationship, without the sex? I feel like no one else would want that though. Now I’m thinking maybe I am ace. Hmm. Gah. I’ll think about that later.
- I’ve been wanting to quit therapy for a while for lots of reasons that I don’t feel like explaining, but now I’m realizing that I’m still struggling a lot and could use some therapy. I guess I’m sad that I still need it. And ashamed. And confused about what to do.
So those are the things I’m struggling with at the moment. Oh and also I did not get enough sleep last night. Okay. I’m going to try again to feed the chickens and move the coop… any support or encouragement is appreciated.
Something over Nothing 
I feel you! My world has kind of gone to pieces as well lately, and everything is hard.
If I were to guess, you have a lot of anxiety from pending being by yourself/now actually are by yourself that is causing everything to seem worse, physical symptoms to worsen, lack of sleep…it all multiplies fast. I have a really hard time staying by myself, can’t sleep, can’t rest, severe anxiety, even little things become huge things and my tolerance for discomfort and stress becomes non-existent. You are experiencing what a lot of us experience, so know that you aren’t alone!
I have yet to be able to navigate this successfully, I just have to wait till my people come back before I start to calm down and get back to my version of normal. If that sounds like you, accept it for what it is, repeat as many times as necessary that it’s temporary, and find ways to take good care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you. I do better with schedule/chores/responsibilities/appointments because that keeps me moving forward, and I tend to make and stick to the game plan that I can live with.
Anxiety is future-focused, and you’re expressing a lot of anxiety over things that won’t be resolved in the next week. Just stick to what has to happen for today, or for the next two days, or for the next week. It needs to be a short time period, because that has less uncertainty. Your brain is desperately trying to resolve the overwhelming amount of uncertainty you’re experiencing right now. Don’t let it. The future could be bad, but it could also be awesome, we don’t know. You’ll get there, you’ll figure it out, but right now, for today, for the next couple of days, you can trim that list down to what you can manage for now, stick to what those things are, and when the future anxiety thoughts come up, acknowledge them and let them go because their time isn’t now.
The shame feelings are now, so address those head-on by (out loud if you need to) telling yourself that isn’t how you’re going to feel about it, and shame doesn’t get to dictate your values or your experience. Shame dies in darkness, so shine a light in those areas and say no.
The energy you’re currently putting into anxiety over far into the future would better serve you by addressing the things you can address now. Map out the next couple of days, refuse to let shame dictate your values and experience and take a long breath in and a long breath out before you start taking those new steps forward. And if you trip as you do, welcome, a lot of us have done that too!
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Omg! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thorough reply!! ❤ ❤ 🙂 I'm only replying now because I am bad at things, but I read it at the time, and it was really helpful — reassuring and kind and putting things into reasonable perspective instead of driven by emotions and with good ideas of what to do about stuff.
I'm sorry that you're unfortunately experiencing similar things. You're totally right that I was anxious about a lot of things in the not-immediate future. And I felt better, at least mentally (not physically), when I was back with my family, so I bet that had something to do with it, too.
I prefer schedules and chores and things with a set time, too; I'm trying to keep doing that. It should be easier with school starting up again. Shame is becoming more of a problem (or maybe I'm just now noticing that it's a problem) sooo I guess I will keep working on that.
Again thank you so much. ❤
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I’m really glad I could offer something helpful! Things go in waves for me, and they still tend to be big waves that knock me over, so I feel like I spend a lot of time sputtering and splashing around trying to get my feet back under me.
I have decided though to practice offering thoughtful and kind expressions of support when opportunities present themselves. I get so much “advice” that doesn’t even come close to addressing my experience, and I get tired of it, and I’m sure other people do too.
I got your message, that was so kind! I’m just now getting started on catching up with non-work stuff, I had a lot of work to get caught up on today so I’m a bit slow too. It’s just what happens!
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Sorry that I’m replying to these all so late! 😐
Yes it was so helpful and kind, thank you again! ❤
I like the wave metaphor/imagery! I'm sorry you still have big waves though. 😦
Aww, that's so thoughtful, I like that idea and am sure people appreciate it a lot. I think it's really nice when people listen to what you're actually saying, not what they think you're saying or something, and I try to do that, too.
Aww yay, I'm glad you got it, I was a little worried there haha! I meant it!
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Oooh, when you don’t get enough sleep, things seem so big… Be kind to yourself, get some rest. Get some sleep. There’s nothing, nothing to feel ashamed about, having therapy. Or anything for that matter. You’re doing great. Use kind words when you do the self-talk! xx
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That’s very true; I’m very affected by lack of sleep. Unfortunately when I’m stressed I tend to not sleep enough due to anxiety and being busy doing the things that are stressing me out. 😦
Thank you for saying that. 🙂 I’ve been struggling with shame recently and it’s hard. The voice in my head has gotten meaner. 😥
Hope you’re being kind to yourself too ❤
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I really understand. It’s that vicious circle (or hamster wheel)… of business and worrying about business and overwhelm and feeling like we don’t have enough time and this and that and the other and… Yep. I get it!
Oooh that voice can be mean. Hear her out and then then say ‘I have heard what you have to say. Now hear me. You are wonderful. You are kind and strong and lovely and clever and so much more… and you are now going to trust that all is well and all will be well and you deserve a little rest.’ Or something like that (if you want!).
I hope you can go for a walk in nature or listen to some cool songs or great podcasts or something else that helps.
I’m doing well, thank you. Practising what I preach at the moment, usually!
Up with self-kindness – Down with self-shaming! xxx
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Oops, I think I replied wrong! Here it is:
Aww, thanks, I like the words you said to say to that voice. ❤
I went walking in nature yesterday! It was great at the time but I’m feeling pretty sad right now.
Yay, I’m glad you’re doing well and practicing what you preach — it’s easier said than done!
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Aww, thanks, I like the words you said to say to that voice. ❤
I went walking in nature yesterday! It was great at the time but I'm feeling pretty sad right now.
Yay, I'm glad you're doing well and practicing what you preach — it's easier said than done!
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Keep at it… I know how it feels. Well done for walking in nature. Do it again 🥰 Do whatever helps and just keep being kind to yourself. You’re right. It can be so much easier said than done. But you’re doing it – little by little… Whenever there is a moment when you feel good, really relish it! There will be more of those. Sending a hug 🤗
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Thanks ❤
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