Wanting to be my friends’ therapist

Recently I’ve been struggling with an urge to act like a therapist towards my friends who are emotionally unwell. I am not a therapist.

And I am certainly not their therapist. But, I can relate to many of the issues they struggle with. I know (some of) the issues well and know ways that I have overcome them or ways that other friends have overcome them. I am also a friend. I enjoy spending time with, appreciate, care about, and want the best for my friends. So I want to help them, and feel like I am able to help them, but…

A therapy relationship is different from a friendship. People aren’t always ready to be pushed or analyzed—they’re just saying random things, and even if the things they say are concerning, people just want to go about their day and not be bothered, corrected, or dragged into painful memories. I wouldn’t want to push that on someone, and I don’t want to act like I’m superior to anyone.

I also don’t want to constantly push advice on people, even if I think it could really help them and it comes from a place of good intent. I very rarely say, “you should…” because I know from personal experience and from hearing many people’s experiences that “should”s can be annoying and unhelpful and make people feel worse. But I do say things like, “When I’m feeling x, I find that y really helps me z” and “What if you did x?” I don’t think saying these things is harmful if I don’t say them that frequently (I think they’re probably helpful and appreciated), but if I’m saying them a lot, I wonder if it starts to get annoying.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I guess one of the main ways I interfere is to try to change my friends’ negative beliefs. I have one friend that consistently says things about how she’s lazy, she has no friends, she’s a bad influence on other people, people don’t want her around, she’s failing, etc. I feel really sad when I hear her say these things because I firmly believe they’re not true and that that’s just her depression talking. It makes me really sad that she truly sees herself this way.  I sometimes try to argue back and say that I disagree, and we can agree to disagree, or I try to remind her that I am her friend, x is her friend, and she was really worried about that last test but ended up doing well so maybe this one won’t be as bad as she expects, and Halloween is coming up so that’s something to look forward to, etc. I don’t know if I’m actually being helpful though. I suppose I could ask… asking would be a good thing to do but would require courage and finding the right time and wording it correctly.

I just want to fix all my friends’ problems.

Another part of my problem is that I’m not entirely sure how to have a close friendship without it being a therapeutic relationship. My relationship with my therapist that I’ve had for a few years was my first real place I shared a lot of things I had kept inside me for years. I feel like when I make close friendships now, they’re modeled on that relationship – I ask questions and listen similarly to how my therapist would. (Not the same way, though; I’m my own person) And the people I feel closest to are the people I talk about my mental health with.

Most of my closest friends also have mental health issues.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with writing this. I’m also not sure what to do about this in general. I’m not even sure if it’s a problem or not.

I guess the part that’s a problem for me is that I feel more distant from my friends when I’m acting more therapist-y because I feel like I’m less “on their level,” even though I am.

I also want to be friends in a way that doesn’t have to do with mental health. I guess I do this sometimes when we watch movies or go to events or cook together or talk about what makes soup soup (it was a hilarious discussion).

It’s also a problem for me because I stress about my friends not doing well, and I worry about whether I’m acting wrong and what I can do better.

And, this could also be a problem for my friends if I’m making them feel worse.

So… something to think more about later 🙂

6 thoughts on “Wanting to be my friends’ therapist”

  1. Out of curiosity, how are your friendships like now? 🙂

    I know for a number of years I had friendships with little reciprocity and the dynamics became very rigid: Me as “24/7 unpaid crisis therapist”, they as client and the friendships would flame out because I was giving to the detriment of my mental health. It wasn’t much advice giving for me, a lot of it was emotional validation for trauma, but the end result was basically unhealthy. We lost the ability to just be friends, and some started feeling entitled to my time and would attack me if I needed a few hours off “therapist mode”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmm, that’s a good question! I think my friendships are okay/good now? I think there was a time in my life when my mental health struggles and treatment took up a very large portion of what I thought about and did, and so I was constantly thinking about things like that, and my life isn’t centered around those things anymore, so I’m not thinking about mental health stuff (either for myself or friends) as much of the time? I think I’ve also gotten better at knowing what someone is looking for (advice, validation, etc) and/or asking them / checking in to see if they want to hear about x with specific friends… so I generally don’t want to be their therapist as much. I was actually a “therapist” for my family over the summer, which was interesting. I taught them some DBT skills that I thought our family desperately needed. But now that I’ve “been there, done that,” I don’t feel the need to intervene as much in my family’s drama because I have already done my part to teach them the skills.

      Oof, that was kinda a long response! 😬

      Aww, those sound like exhausting friendships, especially if you’re talking about trauma! And attacking you if you needed a few hours off does not sound like a friendship (or any healthy relationship) at all. 😦 I’ve had some similar friendships, where I am 100% listening/validating and not talking about anything to do with me, but I think those have either peetered out or evolved into more 50/50 things. What are your friendships like now?


      1. My friendships right now are much better, much like how you describe yours to be 🙂 🙂

        Much more reciprocal, with a lot of care and love that isn’t smothering or all consuming. Where it isn’t all focused on mental health too but our varied interests, hobbies, talking about light and heavy things etc.

        I think it’s great you were able to teach your family some DBT, andddd that you don’t feel so pulled to intervene in their dramas. 😃

        I’m glad I’m past exhausting friendships!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s