I made a joke in a group chat with my friends recently…
Me when I’m packing: I should bring at least three books in case I’m not in the mood to read the other two, might as well bring this flashlight, nail polish is always good to have
Me when I arrive: looks like I forgot underwear, socks, pajamas, and my toothbrush
😂 this is literally what happened ughhh
It’s funny, and I was laughing, but it also annoys me how I’m like this. I have such a strong urge to bring everything I could possibly need with me. I think it’s part of my PTSD/OCD.
PTSD because it’s part of the trauma belief that traveling is dangerous, and I could get into a serious accident, and you never know what will happen so you have to be as prepared as possible at all times because who knows when you’re going to need everything you could possibly need.
OCD because I have the obsession (intrusive thought, worry, fear) that I will be in danger on this trip and maybe not come back home, and I appease that obsession with the compulsion of bringing lots and lots of stuff with me. At least, this is OCD as I understand it. I haven’t been “officially” diagnosed with OCD, but a therapist once implied that I probably had it but that she didn’t want to bother to separate out what is PTSD and what is OCD because the treatment for both is the same: exposure.
Anyway. I do feel like I have OCD, and I feel like I have all these rules I have to follow, just in case. It’s less scary and more frustrating at this point because I have to put up with myself. I have to appease my emotion mind within, or else I won’t feel safe. This happens with germs, too. I’m not particularly afraid of getting sick, but I just have rules, like anything that falls on the ground is dirty and must be sanitized or washed with soap and water before I touch it, and anything that touches anything dirty is now dirty.
I think I’ve gotten better at not always following these rules though, through, you guessed it, more exposures. The rules aren’t as strict anymore. But it’s just annoying. It’s like something extra I’m carrying around and paying attention to, an extra monster inside of me I have to care for and appease. I should maybe bring this up in therapy, but I feel like we’re addressing the more important issues (suicidal and self harm urges, trauma) now, and this is a lower priority. Plus, my old therapist was right: if I do the trauma work, these OCD-like thoughts and behaviors will probably diminish.
For now, I suppose I can radically accept (DBT skill) that this is the way I am now. I bring lots of stuff with me on trips. That is the way it is at this time. AND (there’s that DBT dialectic), it doesn’t mean it can’t change in the future. I can do more exposures. I can take small steps. I can be patient and slowly make progress.
Anyone else have issues like this?
(This was an interesting article about the link between PTSD and OCD.)